Advanced psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist CLAIRE GASKIN sees clients in Essex and in London’s Harley Street. She is now bringing her expertise to the problems of our readers as our agony aunt. If you have a problem you’d like Claire’s advice with, email agonyaunt@nqe.com For more details on Claire’s work, visit benefittherapy.co.uk/

Dear Claire,

A couple of years ago there was a huge row in my family and now it is sort of split down the middle.

My brother no longer speaks to my sister and I am sort of stuck in the centre of it all trying to keep out of it but often failing miserably.

Next year is my 40th birthday and while I would love to have a party and invite everybody, it is an absolute emotional minefield because even if they both came there is a very real risk there would be a massive argument and I just feel emotionally ill-prepared to deal with it. There is no way I could invite one without the other.

I would dearly love them to just sort it out, to move forward, but like all these things so much has been said and done that cannot be taken back.

Partners are also involved and it is a big sorry mess really.

Is there a diplomatic way I could approach them both to tell them how I feel without them feeling I am making it all about me ?

Claire says :

It’s so sad when family disputes become permanent rifts and particularly difficult if you’re caught in the middle.

Your special birthday is the perfect opportunity to forge a solution. Please be assured that it’s OK to make it about you.Send each a letter or email and say how upsetting the situation is for everyone.

Explain your party plans and how much it would mean to you if they could both be there but that, under the circumstances, you are unable to invite either of them.

Ask if there is anything you can do to help them resolve their differences and see whether they are willing to meet. Enlist a neutral family friend to act as mediator and consider asking their partners to support you, too.

Sometimes, stubbornness stands in the way of reconciliation, when neither one wants to be the first to give in. In that case, your siblings may welcome this chance to put their pride aside and call a truce.

Be prepared that they may refuse. In this event there is, unfortunately, little else you can do other than withdraw from their conflict, no matter how painful.

Ultimately, responsibility lies with them and the only actions you can reasonably take are the ones which make you happiest.