Heston's Roman Feast Channel 4, 9pm
Do you think Heston Blumenthal tortured cats and pulled the wings off flies when he was a little boy? It's a picture I just can't get out of my head every time I hear about his latest culinary adventures.
There's an air of the mad scientist about him, isn't there? Heston Blumenthal, why, he's the Dr Cyclops of celebrity chefs. Well, it's original.
We've done sexy (Nigella), we've done blokey (Jamie), we've done hippy (Hugh), we've done rubbishy (Ainsley) - maybe it's time for a bit of weirdy.
Anyway, this week our mad culinary scientist is recreating ancient Roman delicacies. You know the kind of thing. Pig nipple scratchings, calf's brain custard, a hog filled with edible intestines. Great. Do you mind, Heston, if I might go straight for the sweet?
What's for afters? Oh, that's right. According to Channel 4, it's "an unusual ejaculating cake". That's exactly what you need on the dinner table after you've pigged out on nipple scratchings and edible intestines.
An ejaculating cake? Do you know what? I think I might pass this time. Isn't there any sticky toffee pudding? I'd even go a slice of apple pie. No? Ach, well, I wasn't really hungry, if I'm honest.
I do sympathise with the TV celebrities who have signed up for the Roman experience.
I hope their agent got them a good fee. Presumably, to ensure the full authentic experience, our Heston will have built an authentic Roman vomitarium out the back for his celebrity diners. Not that I'm suggesting they will need it. Oh no, perish the thought. An ejaculating cake, though. Heston, where's your toilet? I'm not feeling too good.
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