ADVANCED psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist CLAIRE GASKIN sees clients in Essex and in London’s Harley Street. For more details on Claire’s work, visitbenefit therapy.co.uk

Dear claire,

I was adopted as a small baby and grew up in a wonderful, loving, family.

They have always been very open and honest about my start in life and I have always been able to talk about it.

I had always said I did not want to get in touch with my birth mother and so it was not really ever discussed until quite recently when I decided, as I near 40 and my own children get older, that I should meet her.

I don’t look on her as my mum but I do feel I would regret not talking to her and hearing what she has to say.

But when I raised the subject with my adoptive mum she surprised me by being extremely hurt and tearful about it.

She does not understand my reasons and think it is because she has done something wrong.

How do I tactfully explain this is not the case ?

I am thinking about leaving it altogether as I would never do anything to hurt my mum.

claire says: A sense of belonging is an innate human need.

It’s what drives us to forge relationships and create families, to build communities and join groups, to hold life-long bonds with people and places, and to search for the meaning of life itself.

Even when raised in a loving family, adoptees can grow up with a feeling of not belonging. Meeting a biological parent can provide a greater sense of who you are and where you came from.

Your biological mother may provide all the information you need to complete the jigsaw puzzle of your life. But, you also need to be prepared not to get the answers you are hoping for.

Either way, your adopted mum will be experiencing a range of emotions. She could feel worried, jealous or betrayed. Deep down, she may fear losing you. Knowing that things can never be unsaid, if you are certain about meeting your birth mother then reassure your mum that she hasn’t done anything wrong.

Explain that you would regret not hearing what your biological mother has to say but that she, the woman who raised you, will always be your mum. Be sure to spend lots of time together and tell her often how much you love her.

Good luck!