I GUESS I should address the televisual elephant in the room this week - Love Island.

Love it or loathe it, it is here in all its bikini-clad, repetitive-phrased glory for the next few months and you will probably run into a conversation about it at the least expected moment.

You may not want to engage, and avoid that crucial water cooler discussion moment with colleagues/chums.

Or, if you happen to want to fall in with them, you could try and wing it without watching much.

If, that is, you are not already addicted to it. It is stupidly addictive.

Here is a quick guide of what there is, and isn’t, to know about the impossibly buffed and primped inhabitants of the eponymous island.

Number one, not much really happens on the island because they have no books, no access to outside life and are not really allowed to discuss anything outside of the romance topic.

So they talk about themselves and how they might, or might not, feel about each other. A great deal.

Over and over again, and as in previous years there are oft-repeated pieces of wisdom which do the rounds.

This year, mere days into the run, “it is what it is” is the stand-out observation from the shiny and hopeful contestants.

They get texts from the producers of the show telling them about the latest game/new boy or girl arrival and each time they react like they have never received such a missive in their entire lives.

Number two – you never see anyone eat – this is not attractive to the viewing public and clearly they keep it to a minimum so as not to spill out of the swimsuits they have to wear the entire time they are there.

Number three - everyone is playing a very elaborate game in a bid to win and it is never really clear who actually likes who.

it can change on a sixpence and nothing is more tense than what is termed as a “re-coupling”

For the uninitatied this is when everyone gets a chance to stay with the person they were with, or opt for someone new. They must all gather round the fire-pit, on the decking, for this ritual.

If the choice is not mutual, then one of them goes home. Dumped, if you will, from the island.

It’s brutal and is not really, thankfully, representative of any kind of modern day romancing.

This is probably my main problem with this show – I can cope with the salty language, the odd bit of flesh, but the perception of dating is worryingly skewed.

As a married adult, I view this all with the wry knowledge that this is all fantasy – an over-produced confection which will not result in any marriages and at best will propel said couples into the short-lived bit of stardom they crave.

My last hope a genuine romance could emerge from the villa was crushed by last year’s winners Jack and Dani not being able to make it to even a year once they had jetted home.

Their comparatively old-fashioned courtship, no funny business on screen as she did not want to upset parents/grandparents watching at home, seemed to spell success.

But alas, it was not to be.

Back to the low down, and number five is : After Sun.

There of course is a spin-off show - a Sunday night round-up of the week’s goings on with Caroline Flack, accompanied by a panel of celebrity fans. Always led by Joel Dommett. That man must barely leave his house other than to appear on spin-off shows.